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01:43 pm
5/12/06

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zingana
(no subject)
god has it been a long time. so much has gone on. i was just fliping threw myspace when i came across my titas friends list and did you know im not even on her friends list. what the fuck was i to her. who the fuck was i period while there. i see my old roomates and shit and i can t get over this feeling that none of them are real none of them ment anything i ment nothing to myself at that time in my life. what was it that broke my spirit was it dustin or something more. being stranded on an island with no way home. no hope for a future just wanting to die. if these thoughts are all behind me now than why am i brought right back there with a glance of a picture...

ashe hasnt called me all week he was supose to come down this weekend but i think i bled him dry set him back financialy last weekend. i fear loosing him i fear that i was just a thing that he needed to conquer and now that he has he is done with me. god i have so much to give so much hidden potential i just want someone to share it with someone who will appreciate it. he did he does im jsut so insicure that i worry my little head off. i went threw so much with him and then to loose him to our psycho girlfriend killed me but i knew i had to let him go and secretly wished and prayed that one day he would be mine. we wernt alloud to indulge in eachother in our relationship. it became one big punnishment and our gf the athoritarian one persons need does not overthrow the needs of others. now she is gone and we were blissful. the thing is i am not hole the time between meeting and leaving him was torture the time away from him ever more so. so much so that i have forgotten how to love. i only know sex and that not even well. i have been used up i have been spoiled. i took from him i made him feel as i did in all those other arms and now i fear that i have killed his love for me... why else would he not call why else would i not have heard some news this past week. he was to arrive today on bus and we were to spend the weekend enraped in eachother yet again. and i fucked it all up.. i dont have his address andhe doesnt have a phone could he have forgotten mi number? god i hope i am blowing this alout of proportion. i hope we live to the happiest we can... it is with in me all with in me. i have to let go and he will once again come back to me.. why is letting go so painful with him.... i have let tons of lovers leave and never blinked and eye... but him god i want for ever i want a foolproof way of knowing that he will never leave... i want to be his all. i want a life time with him.. we can struggle together, alone no longer. together what a wonderful idea... with some one at my side some one who has my back at times.. some one who is present in ever situation, joy and tribulation. i want my ashe... i cant deal with this unknowing.. i cant wait with out knoing that everything is ok and that i still have his love... i cant go on without it... stop worrying.. im such a fool... a romantic fool... where did all this mushy stuff come from...

Current Mood:
 worried worried
* * *
06:12 pm
1/14/06

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zingana
(no subject)
ok so ive been up in keene for a bit now and im slowly becoming awair of my surroundings.. i stil have yet to just venture out on my own and mingled with intention to meet new faces. i dont know why this sudden sence of shyness has hit me but it is a bit refreshing to just go to work and them come home to an peaceful place where i can rest and catch up on the plethora of books that i have stacked in bins in my room. ok my appartment is stil totaly trashed with signs of my slow unpacking. the fact that i am sleeping on an air matress on the floor because i still havent had time to pick up my bed is kinda pathetic but hey its a place to sleep right.

ive been up for two days now sence 6 am yesterday actualy. im haning out at my friends computer store and taking advantage of their internet. i talked with new and old friends till stupid oclock in the morning i have been smoking cigaretts like they were air and havnt had a sip of coffee yet, yet some how i am stil going. i live for days and nights and days like this deep conversation with not so like minded individuals. seeing your stories from intirely new perspectives and the sharing of moments of laughter and insight. i have missed just hanging out and being me and being completely accepted as just me. feeling comfortable at slinging a comback like pistols at your side. i feel at home...

i have many adventures as of late. i have a new love interest named cj. he is a coworker who just caught my eye one day as he passes by with a gaze that left me stunned. been working with him on and off for the past two or three months now. he is about my height and a bit heavier than me peircing blue eyes and blonde hair and go-tee. he is deffinitly a dream. every time i see him i blush like i havnt blushed sence i was a nieve little fifteen year old girl giggling after kevin. in other words i really like this one and am desperatly trying to take it slow and build something real.. the whole taking it slow thing, well we all know how that goes when im involved. impulsive little hoar that i am.. -giggle- this one really makes me week in the knees "literally" and turns me from a sultry vixon to a blubbering idiot in a matter of minutes. im trying not to come off as desperate but i kinda am i would do almost anything to get this guy. i am so affraid that he will think im a freak or that he will see the truth...that i most deffinitly am a freak.. i am so pathetic in the way that i act some times expecialy around him. i dont know why he just drives me crazy. hes innocent and sweet and untainted by bad experiences and lovers very inticing i must say.. enough about him though... i know its kinda sickaning really.

im starting belly dancing lessons in febuary downtown keene. im psyched about that. i love dance and i have the extra time and its really reasonably priced so how could i pass it up... other than that there is nothing really extrodinary going on in my life simple pleasures and simple life right now. and i guess that this peacefull feeling could actualy be happiness. im taking this time to turn inside and really take a look at myself and what i want to accomplish in the comming years. im also trying to give myself credit for the accomplishments of past years. harder than it should be or so it feels but then again when have i ever done anything the easy way... peace

Current Mood:
 drained drained
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08:09 pm
12/26/05

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zingana
lately!!!
so i move up to keene on sunday. anyone with wheels that wants to lend a hand it welcome try and get intouch with me before hand... this is a big step in hopefuly the right direction. been hanging with a bunch of dj's lately and all like my voice and think im adorible and would totaly be into doing a record with me. jsut have to get the shit together and put it out there... things are lookin up for me... the apartment is an hours walk to work but worth it. im going to loose weight too.. free excersize to boot cant beat that... there are a few new people in my life sence i started work... coworkers and a few new friends and perhaps some love interests too... i could go on and on about thanatos and his sick beats and how i adore chasing after him relentlessly.. the little freak that i am.. we have become good weekend buddies. going to parties and clubs anywere there is a beat to be heard. our hearts belong to those electronic drumms electronic dreams and the drives inbetween. then there is all the cool ass people that he has introduced me too... this one guy is buddies with keokie.. forgive my spelling... i wanted to kiss his feet and you know what he told me.. some day when im makin music some new raver will come up to me like i would keokie... that was the sweetest thing i ever heard. i asked him if he really thought i had that kinda potential and he said absolutly i sang for him only a little too... he loved my lyrics and said that some day he will take me to ri to do a cd.... im all twitterpated.... he also said that if he likes thanatos's shit he will have a monthly spot on his sheet.... wicked!!! that means id have a montly spot to party my ass off.... all i need is a place to get dressed up for and a beat to rock out to and i am at peace.... rave is my worship i swear... well thats all for now.. the job is going great my parents are not so great but we are all getting threw it some how... my brother josh is doing awesome in his electricians courses and nate well hes doing awesome at his larping and rpging.... the little freak..teehee... i survived christmas!! its all down hill from here... hugs and loves to all.. miss you to peaces wish you could all rock out with me... peace
Current Mood:
 crazy crazy
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11:01 am
12/11/05

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zingana
(no subject)
is it fate of faith that brought me to this place
im no angle no saint but i seem to have found my way
where to go from here i dont know
ive been so lost so low and all alone
i forgotten this family this haven this home

is my mind a waist... land filled with mines
or is it one of a kind one of a kind one of a kind
wheather its bristol or break it doesnt matter how you rave
your found your way home after that first roll...
your home

can i go on from here
the darkest depths of my soul
will it blow my mind, bring me to tears or to home
enjoy the ride, no use to fear
its out of my control its out of my control its out of my control
so i just just let go and roll rolll....roll on home

just a song im working on dont want to loose it so here it is..its a work in progress so any comments would be a much apreaciated service.. peaces and loves form me to all of you.....
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12:14 pm
12/4/05

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zingana
(no subject)
another killer time with chris.. i called him after dinner friday night i was hoping just to hang out for a bit. ended up going to conneticut and listening to chris spin a wicked set. after about an hour and a half of recording there was no more room to record. i was bummed because i know that he has a lot more in him and that that was a warm up set...his dj name is vanatos i know i spelt that wrong but youll just have to forgive me. ends up he worked with sahar a while back. that was an interesting conversation. lol. so after i met his friend in this wicked building that was once a factory. they were all furries if you know what that is. no tails this visit though... i really liked them they seemed cool. then we ended up driving out to newyork to hang out with some killer djs and i might have just gotten the hookup with this dj that spinns trance who just might be looking for a vocalist.... AAAHHHHHH!!!! im jsut a bit excited about that. so afeter i think it was some eight hours of driving together i think chris is officialy sick of me...lol. i talked his fucking ears off. well i have to keep him awake some how...lol... i really like him a bunch but i know that it wont become anything big because im not what he wants in a woman. he is very honest and that is a life savor. i get attached quickly to people as those who know me understand. but he is strong and knows what he wants so there will be no confusion inour friendship.. i really want you all to meet him. i thank the godess that i found him sence i have met him we have gone out every weekend to different parties meeting different people and djs and the music is amazing and i know that this is just the begining of the beats when djs warm up about an hour into it then the reall music begins. i sang with him andhis friends we sang show tunes and some janis. i came home and sang my heart out with head phones on my poor mom. who knows what i sounded like. allinall it was a good time. one downer moment he noticed that i say the same stories over and over again to him and he pointed it out every time he says that i feel like i could die because i knwo that i ramble on about the same things over and over again. i know that it anoys people hell it annoys me but i cant help it . i think its because i did so much e all those holes in my head you know...lol... im stil very sencitive about those things.. but all in all i had a good time... i have to love that part of me too right... ill get over it eventualy... ramble on... peace
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12:54 pm
11/27/05

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zingana
RAVE!!!!!
just go back from weve got musik two... and some rave club in worchester with my new raver buddy chris. we were supose to go to the one in springfeild for thirty bucks but we ended up at this on held at divas and we got tipsy and danced to hared house and house all night i had forgotten how much i miss the club scene down in hawaii and house. it is so much fun to move to. creg came too i like him alot but in small doses. i feel that our paths should no longer cross. hes a great guy but alot that he says is offencive to me in a way that i dont think he even knows that is. and i just cannot be all cuddly and share my energy with him the way he wants i just dont feel that way about him. sorry dude. all three of us went to a hotel after party with a bunch of chrises friends. it was weird at first and then as the morning came we talked alot and it was amazing. i told them about erock and our story of how he saw a veryspeciall dream i had as a child. i burst into tears not realizing how much i missed him until that moment i burst into tears and then hid in the corner. creg hates him because of my love for him. and every one else will adore him im sure. after the hotel party chris and i went to cregs house and those two really hit it off. lots of stories were shared and i got to play with his cat. creg weirded me out alot.i dont knwo why. i think i need to just be frank with him. some times his touch is welcome andplesant but most of the time im like dude touch me and die. it because he is always fucking with my energy trying to make bons or something i dont know. i was fucked up it was probably all inmy head. chris and i ended up going to a party in wochester and dancing our asses off. i didnt get home until like 6 this morning and we didnt sleep but for a couple of hours on the ride home we just parked and passed the fuckout. he has some sick tracks and we jsut listened to jungle the whole ride. i like him alot he is my new raving conpanion. hes a dj and good from what i have heard form his cds. i cant waite for summer well have killer out door parties i garontee and every one is invited. so djs start spinning now and dancers get limber cause we are going to rock out all summer long.. i garrentee. i miss the shit out of erock...pouts i wanted to see him so badly. soon ihope we can be together. soon... im so spending christmas with him come hell or hight water. well i digress so peace to all... berecca
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10:43 am
11/19/05

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zingana
just another update nothing special.
well i am still working at borders got my first paycheck. payed off missy when martina finaly payed me that took all the money from the checks unfortunatly and im finaly even with her, well i still owe her like 100 dollars. but besides that we are golden. she is quiting pot and i have as well its not a life long thing but just a break until i have some use for it again. she and i are barely friends she is so distant now. adrie is the only real gf i have right nwo and she is a great one. always there when she can be. i miss her alot when not around her and cory too. well i have an offer of an apartment an hours walk away from work and seriously considering it. well that wont be decided till the end of deceber. but honestly im a little worried about the cost and living expences. but i think i could make it. hell ive made it this far. not seeing any one, its hard having my emotions still tied up. but i know that my desicion was right for me at the time. i am calling this boy from rock out whome i adore but im not sure that i will ever be in his presence again.though the time we have shared together has been aweinspiring complete with shooting stars and vivid visions of future lovelyness. patience is not one of my strong suits though. he is very optimistic which is incouraging and so so so sweet. my mother is still pretty bad not worse but the same. fear is a daily thing in this house fear of alot of things. i have a ghost visiting my dreams pretty regularly now he is one of the Cass boys who have owned the house we are oh so slowly redoing. he is mad because it is cold in his house and it only has half a floor and there are wild animals living in it. he is also tired of his existance and wants not only conpanionship in the house but he wants to be reborn into this earth. i told him it wont be threw me but he just snickers at that. the thought of having a child right now is horrifying. i got tested for everything at the clinic and got my results last week. i am 100% clean. in every department. my blood is pure though my soul is far from it.lol.. that makes me happy. gonna keep it that way no more oopses. i have chosen to stay celibid till beltain as i have been sence belchertown. i think i will gain alot from being celibit as i have thus far. on that note i say fair well for now. i will update if anything exciting happens. peace.
Current Mood:
 amused amused
Current Music:
 the poundingof my mother deforsting the fridge with a hammer
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08:21 pm
11/15/05

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zingana
tee hee...
You scored as A Slave To BDSM. Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun.

</td>

A Slave To BDSM

100%

Sex God

83%

A Romantic

38%

Virgin

13%

How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com


how did they know??? lol
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08:57 am
11/12/05

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zingana
been a while!
hey days are moving quickly, thank god for that.. my mom thinks that all the pain she has had and the reason that she has droped somuch weight is from another kidney infection. she had a test done and she has a shit ton of white blood cells in her kindeys... for those who dont knwo thats a bad thing a really really bad thing. the amount that are in there indicate that this infection has been festering for some time now.. she went off the experimental drug because as i predicted it spiked her inr.. international ratio of blood. it shows you how fast your bood clots. then she was playing russsian rulett with her coomadin blood thinner shit... not good.. glad she stoped takingit.. the crazy woman she is still going to work.. her doctor called her there and was like what the fuck are you doing there go home now... she said do you like being my doctor then i need to be here... go mom tell that doctor..haha.. she is one strong bitch let me tellyou. i will miss her terribly when she passes. she is telling me not to worrie... like i can stop.

work is going well had a few bumps in the road butnow things are smoothingout.. got my first pay check its less than i thought but hey its money. i was going to take off to conneticut for the weekend to visit some raver friends but the banks closed early. no biggy. ill see them another time. hey it saves me sixty bucks. lol.. i miss my friends alot im very lonely up here in the woods. but hey ill get by im a tought brawed. been threw hell a few times ill be there again im sure... lol.. everything is pretty placid right now and im just taking things as they come. miss and love you all. peace!!

Current Mood:
 complacent complacent
Current Music:
 joe cocker- live
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12:29 pm
10/30/05

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zingana
(no subject)
my mother is off her antibiotics for about a week now and she is sick she has gotten a throat infection and pink eye so far from her little devils. shes a day care worker she is wonderful with children so it is the feild of her expertice and the one she wants to persue it further. so there is that we are going to try to take care of it threw homiopathy. there must be a natural antibiotic or equivelent that might work and not spike her inr.

i got a job up in keene with the same hours as my mother. ony thing is that i have to be in an hour earlier than she does which is a bitch but worth it. i have forgotten how rewarding it is to work. i work a borders in keene it in the new shopping center come visit me some time if you get up there before six youll probably catch me. i adore the job i get to organize and sell books to people. and on my spare time read read read... i adore it. and in a month ill get benefits!! ill be able to get the glasses that i shattered into a million peaces at the last rave i went to in ri fixed and go get my physical and have an actual doctor and my teeth fixed... awesome!! everything will work out in the end. one of my cowoekers boyfriend has a band that does reggae and has invited me to sing with them some time. im soo oober excited about that. i have found myself singing alot lately. its been years sence i have felt so me. im glad that i have taken this time with my family and to get back in touch with my roots. i feel like becky again for the first time sence i left my house at 17. i thank ever one who had a hand in my coming back around this year expecialy. please keep my mother in your prayers. thank you. peace!
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09:24 am
10/21/05

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zingana
(no subject)
my mother is dieing. she has another kidney infection, she has reached a wall with her antibiotics shes grown imune quicker than the doctors expected. my father has quit his job and she needs to carry the insurance but how is she supose to work now. even if i had insurance i couldnt put them on it. shes only like 45. she has had such a misserable life in and out of hospitals sence she was a child. sence she was born. she hasnt done anything that she wanted to besides be a mother and a wife. but that didnt work out the way she wanted either. she has so much knowledge inside of her. this is the begining of the end. there is so much i need to do to help her and ease her pain. i jsut dont knwo if i can do it. i havent even started to have a life i havent gotten anything constructive done in a long time. i dotn know if im ready for this or if id ever be ready. if anyone knows of any disability links or serveces that i can call or contact for support. i need alot of help. peace.
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09:20 am
10/7/05

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zingana
is it i who doomed myself to misery
i have mad all these bad choices i have given up my beliefs my goal and taken on other peoples because of what some nieve notion of love. please im a 22 year old girl who has yet to get her licence yet to have a stable job or hold down her own apartment. im a bum ive been living off of other people their lives their thoughts and dreams. pretending they were mine. well wake up call becca you are a 22 year old woman who has done nothing to get up in the world. and now shes astonished to find her self in the last place she wants to ever be... home... i cannot deal with my family i never have been able to so what do i do run away again and pray that some were some day i will find a way to make a start for myself. i need advice here. let me jsut lay down my options for you really quick:

1 i can waite around for stavros and martina, move back to belchertown and be a slave i mean personal care assistant for a year contract have a place to live and work my ass off ill probably end up with something like eleven thousand if i dont do or go anywere just save every paycheck.. lets not forget that im stil waiting for my paychecks from stavros for the last month more or less that i worked. and how long will it take for martina to get home? months? weeks? ive been waiting weeks just for my checks to be taken care of.

2 i can stay with my parents for a year try to deal with all their head trauma on top of trying to get a job up in keene in the exact time that mom is working. while doing all the cooking and chores that my parents are to old or tired or lazy or hurt to do themselves. which isnt so bad i just have to do the chores id do that if i lived alone too. but you know im going to end up with bills even though they say that i can live here for free. did i mention that they might or might not be selling the land and trailor and house with its half a floor.. they might be moving to swanzey if they can find a house for cheep and they might be getting a divorce god can only hope for the later.my paps quit his job and my mother is going to end up with another heartattack i know it shes already having chest pains. they are both perfectly misserable and giving me little hope for my future. im pulling my hair out here. but its stil an option.

3 i could live with my parents enough to get my own place up in nh. im just worried that they will fall out form underme again. but ive been here for months now and no luck.

i have alot of life experience but my resume is lacking ineed to stay inone place and work for a good year. i feel stupid for coming home because i know that i cannot like to there means any more its just not conducive to build a foundation on quicksand. but that is my parents what the fuck am i to do you knwo thats where i come from how much further from them can i become really. i feel like a cast from the middle ages. slave girl? is that all im cut out ot be? am i damned to a domestic destiny? help?! i knwo this is a joke right?! hey if you dont laugh you cry...argh.peace
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08:07 am
10/6/05

2 comments
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zingana
could life fall any further into hell?
so lets get every one up to date shall we. i left the job in belchertown with the prospects of some 1200 dollars coming in the mail well 200 of that is all that showed up. yeah thats not even enought to get me out of dept with my best friend whome i owe 500 or so to. not to mention trying to get enought money up to get an apartment for sahar and ashe and i near belchertown and potentialy keep a job with martina as her pca. 10$ an hour. wow. no benies.. oh well.. ok so thats all old news. this is the new pile of shit... my well has dried up so not only can i not drink do dishes cook or take a shower but i cant even take a shit... iwent threw a whole bottle of water of which we are down to two just to flush the toilet. great. the house stil isnt winterized with no heat or oil i have like two blankets and am worried about keeping warm. my fathers truck broke down well enought for him to quit driving the two hours to and from work so he just ups and quits yep no more insurance for my mother who has thrombophillia which is a blood clotting disease just one of her many ailments. my mother has told dad that she is selling the house and buying one in swanzey. there is no way that she will come out on top of this. shes going to end up getting sick again and then not being able to work she will loose her insurance and then have to deal with idiot fucking doctors. im sure many of you are wondering were this puts me..well im wondering that too. floating once again in mid air nothing but quicksand beneath my feet. nothing in sight to grab.. so i guess i just go down with the ship... im freakin. totaly luckaly i have a little mj left from wabbits visit so im going to go smoke that to my head and hope all works out. worse comes to worse there is always the woods right. well not any more seems a pack of wild dogs attacked a hiker not far from my house so no more midnight walks for becca. im slowly going insane. i feel like my parents have drug me down so far that i can no longer see the future and if you know me you know how big a problem thatis. i dont want to die quite yet who knows maybe some how ill get on my feet.. hey if you know any young handsome successful auntrapanuers send them my way...lol. peace.
Current Mood:
 distressed distressed
* * *
03:16 pm
9/30/05

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zingana
dreams of death sadness emptyness and nothing to blame..
i tried to kill my self the other day. a sadness swept over me like i have never felt before. i cried as i have never cried before. my soul opened and something came in and took me over an i tried to kill my self franticly. then something peaceful came and held me. calmed me. i had to run away jsut for a few days so i called adry and she rescued me. i crashed at there house for the week and i am home now. misserably sad and uncontrolably depressed. i feel like my heart has been ripped out and i am left to bleed to death with the open wound in my chest. i can say no more. i have to go for a walk and try not to think to much.
* * *
01:56 pm
9/23/05

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zingana
(no subject)
its my birthday and ill cry if i want to!!!! it is the autom equanox so happy sabat to all those witches out there. im celebrating with a nice bottle of wine and my dog shasha.. for all you muggles it means the today is going to be exactly as long as tonight. and the days will start getting shorter and shorter from here till winter. it is the begining of the dark months of winter. so prepair and be prepaired. peace
* * *
10:23 am
9/23/05

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zingana
thanks ryusen for yet another awesome quiz...
You scored as Freyr.

</td>

Freyr

100%

Njord

80%

Freya

80%

Hel

80%

Odin

70%

Balder

70%

Sif

70%

Thor

70%

Bragi

60%

Loki

60%

Skadi

60%

Heimdall

60%

Tyr

50%

Frigg

40%

Which Pagan God or Goddess are you most like?
created with QuizFarm.com
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12:43 pm
9/22/05

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zingana
go there youll love it!!!!


its so much more that your average date...lol. its more than just dating its events and updates and shit. check it. peace
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08:54 am
9/22/05

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zingana
(no subject)
my whole life i lived in accordance to some one elses rules. being raised a strict chatholic upbrining and my fucked up families ideals were harder still to up hold. though i oposed certian things in "the church" i never thought to contest them before ebcause i was living life blindly. but now that im awakened inthat sence boy watch out... you must be asking why in the world is this woman writing about this well my father started inlast night about his religeon as he now knows about my by sexuality and has seen my streched ears he started in on me with the one quote from the bible "your body is a temple" yeah and mine is decorated acording to me!! if my father really believes this then why is his temple dieing slowly he has like two teath left and he has smoked the shit out of his lungs and because all he drinks is coffee and moxie he has given himself rumitory aurthritus.. in the back of my head im going who are you to talk to me about my temple. yeah i need to get insurance to take care of a few cavities and i need to go to a doctor as i have not in about three years now. other than that i am jsut being me and i will get that tatoo that he always wanted. him not getting his has hindered him his whole life, why not fufill my own longings in mine and not suffer as he has. yes we all suffer in our unique ways but denial is not one of them im willing to suffer. i say that there are many paths to god or heaven or nervana and you need to try and walk them all. i believe in the union of all religeons as the true religeon. he will never understand as i do and i will never understand as he does so agree to dissagree and lets move on. now on to my mother her ideals revolved around our individuality and realizing our dreams at a young age and getting them accomplished before death. this ethic revolved strongly around school and college and work. and i am currently not doing any of those and that is driving her crazy... she has been denied so much in her life because of her fucked up family and because of her medical conditions she really got a raw deal on the whole body thing. so there have been lots of things that she would love to do but cannot so i can understand her a lot more as her conditions were born to her not a product of malace or stupidity... this is a quote from me to you...
"stop trying to be the person others want you to be and be the person you want to be. be the person you are and were born to be and be unafraid."
your life is yours to love if you do not love your life than no one else ever will. i have my causes i have not lost them in my confusion and thank the gods for that. i believe in my own path and i believe in my own life. i cannot uphold any ones ideals except my own, those are mine to make. influances are welcome but decissions are all mine from now on im in charge.. i will live to my means.. humble and filled with personal insight and personal power. im going to stop this tragic little act and start with the really kick ass me who wouldnt take all this shit lieing on her back. i will make the most out of this existance despite the set backs. i will have all that i want in the end even if i have to wait till old age to achieve them. i will climb those mountains life has placed infront of me. god am i narsisistic. got to work on that. well this is a journal about me so if you dont want to hear it stop reading. lol

i will leave you with this:

"we get nothing by asking, we shall have to take what we waht tand need the requisite strength for the effort." -Gandhi-

peace

Current Mood:
 refreshed refreshed
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12:18 pm
9/20/05

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zingana
self reflection
when do i put my self first? when does my life realize its worth? when do i start living? stop giving all i am away just to stay, senceless. lifeless breathless and restless. does this pathless journey ever end? when does the true exploration begin? why did i let my self suffocate in every one elses affairs? why do i care so much of others and so little about me? ive planted so many seeds my body is week and now i cant help any of them grow. i have neglected my own. so dont ask me when you are down and out and in need. because i am in need of me. i need to stand a woman not this scared little lonely girl that thinks the world is going to wake up some day and forget her. i say forget me. let me be and maybe some how i will find my way in this world alone and unashamed and unafraid. i am lonely even in the company of friends and lovers, family and others. i feel each of your pains each of you longings i have tied my self to all of you and i cant swimm under all these emotions. so i slowly slip away. then why be afraid of this desolate feeling, of this isolation that i already find myself in. now the question is where do you all end and where do i begin?

this is not posted to any one person or persons. it is not your fault, i did this to myself. i have to reflect on why i felt i needed to give myself away to you for you to keep me is some special way. i need to be taken back for a moment and reflect and hopeful move forward on this pathless path. peace
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11:27 am
9/19/05

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zingana
update on my life...
my god it has been one hell of a month. i met two amazing people and ran away with them. that adventure had to end this week and a new eturnaly harder one began. my mother needed me to be home so home i came. not remembering why i left in the first place. one day home and boy it was pretty fucking apparent. not even home for one day and my father throws a hissy fit throwing his dinner plate and all its contents across the room. i shit you not. and for what reason you ask, i mean it must be a pretty big reason right? wrong. it was because my mother gave my father the heal of the bread.. i shit you not. "twenty years i never ate the heal of the fucking bread you mother doesnt know me at all or she doesnt care." my mother took off and i was dumfound. i could not believe my eyes i wanted to say use your big boy words.. that would have gotten me struck for sure. so there i was stuck in my little room in the corner. i took off for two hours just walking in the woods crying my eyes out hoping that the next breath didn't come. i was so lonely too. thoughts of sahar and ashe invaded my mind. i wished they were there to hold me and comfort me as i know they would and only they could. leaving them has been so amazingly hard. coming here even harder. my mother is an amazing woman but because of her medical shit she cannot escape my father and his abuse. he doesnt hit her but he is killing her soul something far far worse. she use to be an artist and on my walk (i know you wont believe this but it is true i swear...) i found her first painting the one of the woman sitting on a stool head in hands over her vanity table in despare or out of exhaustion. i had that painting in my room sence i was a child and now it lies in among the leaves and dirt as if it ment nothing. i wept when i saw it. tried to salvage even the smallest peace but no luck. nature has destroyed it weather cracked the oil off the canvas and it is ruined for ever. one of my favorite and endearing memories gone for ever because of someones carlessness. another peace of my mother gone. maybe if i move up to keene she can come too and i can save her from my asshole father. later that night i picked up the phone and my father yelled at me and i didnt say any thing but my thoughts were clear apone my face "die mother fucker die" i believe was what it was.. he kept on it for a bit telling me why and that its his house and i wasnt gone that long. and i had enought i told him how for the past month i liver with a woman whose only means of comunicating with us was threw the house phone. it will take me a while to get reajusted to all his fucking stupid ass rules. and he will just have to get reajusted to having me in the house too. he said if he didnt want me there i wouldnt be. i wanted to say yah you wanted your slave back not your daughter. but i held my toungue. last night was torture the matress on my futon is far to thin and it puts all sorts of pressure on my deformed spine. i woke up in a pain that i havent felt sence i was a child. so i folded it in half and fell back to sleep with my feet hanging of the side. my mother talked to me as she got ready for work. telling me about how it has been sence i left. bad really bad. she also told me that she told my dads friends that i was gay and my dad found out. that must be a trip for him. hes so old fassioned. and he kinda met sahar well at least saw her move my shit out of his trailor. which my mother cleaned out top to bottom for me. sweety.. she is the best mother in the world. i wish my father would take a page from her book. or the whole book but he is illiterate to her words and feelings. i wish i may i wish i might.. but nothing is going to change so why fight. i out of here as soon as possible. and if i can im taking my mother with me. peace.
Current Mood:
 aggravated aggravated
Current Music:
 yahoo launch cast.
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